I am miserable.

It is 4 in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's these stupid effing stitches that have been sewn into my mouth. The right inside of my cheek feels like someone stuck a blunt toothpick in it. I heard they are supposed to dissolve the 3-4th day. I've seen none of this so far. I just feel a slight throbbing, enough to disturb my sleep and make me wish I would have procrastinated until spring break to do this. I hate it. To top things off, I feel gross and puffy. I've lost about 8 pounds, but I feel fat. Nothing about this is enjoyable. I'm even getting sick of yogurt. I really just want my post-op appointment to come so these stitches can go away. I can see them. The one on the right is on my cheek. Is that normal?? I just wish someone would knock me out until I'm healed. Nothing enjoyable has happened to me. No New Years Eve with my boyfriend, no freaking stitches pain lessening, no going outside the house. I hate my life right now. It hurts to cry, yawn, open my mouth, close my mouth, and laugh. So, basically everything. Why the pain meds decide to wear off in the early morning I have no idea. Eff them. I woke up around 330, went into the kitchen to get water, almost woke the dog, then ended up having to go rinse with salt water. The salt water swishing has been soothing so far, but it did not seem to help with this. The pain is literally coming from my cheek. I want to sleep so bad. Tomorrow will be the first time I'll be out of the house since Monday. My friend Jessica is having a mini New Year's eve party. Just simple hanging out and a movie or 2. I just want to go somewhere. I am lucky to have friends that think of such brilliant things. I don't know when I'll be going back to Orlando, right now I just want it to be the 5th so the stitches can be gone. Just 6 more days. That seems like forever now that I am typing it out, that is almost a week. Ok, Orlando, see you in a week or so.

I'm still wise, right?

So, today marks the day after my wisdom teeth have been taken from my gums. I'm feeling pretty good, surprisingly I'm not very swollen at all. The back of mouth where the teeth were taken have that annoying itchy feeling to them. The feeling that you just want to chew to make the itchiness go away. My mom said it's the stitches, which are thick and dark colored. You can't really notice them unless you look deep into my mouth, which I can't open my mouth very wide right now because I am sore. Before my surgery I had to take a Valium..which, I probably should have taken only half of the centimeter wide pill because I was falling all over the place. I started thinking about foxes, which is random as heck. In the car on the way there I don't even remember most of what I said. My mom had to walk me to the office, then I plopped down in a chair. I was then called into the room and seated on the surgical chair. The lady about to take the IV could tell I was taking the Valium pretty hard. In all seriousness, it was kind of fun. Your mind just drifts about and everything feels like a dream. I still managed to ask if my birth control pills were still alright to take (funny, how even under heavy medication I remember the things I am worried about). She said it was fine since I just take mine for hormones. Then another lady came in and said, "this will smell like peaches" and she placed a mask over my nose. It did smell like peaches, which I love peaches, so it was nice. Then, obviously, I fell asleep. I never saw Dr. Peak come in..and I didn't see him when I woke up either. The first thing I asked when I woke up was, "where are my teeth?" You see, wisdom teeth are very interesting. They are large and have wavy, curvy looking roots. I kind of wanted to see them, but they were thrown away. Then I was put into a wheelchair and wheeled out to the car. I don't remember how I got out of the wheelchair. But, I do remember talking to my dad and him laughing at how I was talking. I also remember texting my boyfriend simply saying, "done." Then, the rest of the ride home was me drifting in and out of sleep. Luckily, the anesthesia did not make my nauseous. I woke on my living room coach with gauze shoved in my mouth. I could not feel my tongue and my lip felt huge. I woke to one of my best friends coming over. We exchanged Christmas gifts and she got to hear me talk like a mute person. But hey, it really brightened my day. She got me this adorable bag, which I cannot wait to use. Then after she left I started feeling better. My mom fed my some yogurt (very very difficult at the time as I had no feeling) then I took my oxycodone. A little after that I fell asleep. Then, I went on facebook and talked to Courtney and my friend Jean. It was very nice to know so many people care about me. Things got a little bad after that though, I started feeling really nauseous. I would run to the bathroom and take the gauze out, and then it would stop. This went on about 3 times. Finally, my little brother brought a trash bin and set it by me on the couch. About 20 minutes later everything i ate came out. It was bad, and disgusting. Then I felt that wonderful feeling you feel when all the nausea goes away. Great. I iced my face on and off then ate and applesauce (pomegranate) and got ready for bed. I called my boyfriend, and he didn't have the time to talk to me so I laid myself down and read. I finished my book, which was wonderful, because I have not finished a recreational book in months. Then I started to drift off. Anthony, my boyfriend texted me, which made me feel better. Then I fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to find out I was wide awake. Annoyed I went on facebook, and talked to my friend Matt. Then I felt nauseous again and threw up blood and a little bit of the applesauce. Really, I am sorry if this is gross, but I am completely desensitized by this. I just see it as biology. I was able to go to sleep after that but woke up again at 7. I was starving. So I had some cranberry raspberry yogurt and rice pudding. Then, nobody was awake, so I started watching Donnie Darko. I ended up falling asleep again and still need to finish the movie. But, when i got up the second time (around 10) I was able to eat a little bit of egg whites and some d-lites eggnog ice cream (low cal and natural, yum!) I put a hot pack on my face on and off and dozed off a little. Then, the doorbell rang and i got a surprise. My step dad ordered me beautiful yellow flowers with a smiley face balloon and mug. The are full of lilies (my favorite), carnations, and other yellow flowers. it was a nice surprise. Now, I think I'm off to eat a little something and finish watching my movie.

new friend

One in stock. Ordered it today. Hey, I need a pick-up before my wisdom tooth surgery. Plus, come on, this thing is a B.A magnet.

Dead-End day

I feel like someone has been squeezing my lungs all day. I've gone four days without my medicine and my body is already feeling the effects. I don't want to run, eat, or be in the cold. I just feel like sleeping. To top things off, I have my wisdom tooth surgery tomorrow. I will be a swollen-faced, yogurt eating, gauze biting zombie for who knows how long. The goal is to be better by new year's eve. But honestly, if I'm bruised up and fat-faced I don't feel like trying to look pretty. So, if things turn out for the worst, I'll be stuck in my dead end home town until break is over. Truthfully, I just feel like complaining right now. I can not breath. I have no idea why doctors give jut a few moths worth of prescriptions. Seriously, is my asthma going to just disappear all of a sudden? No. Doctor, you are not that brilliant. The only satisfaction I have gotten out of toady is the half pumpkin muffin that I could devour in one bite. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to slip on my new black and gold bodysuit, skinny jeans, and heels and try to look cool.

Hello Organs.

dude. really. I want this. Hello Kitties with smiling livers, hearts, lungs etc?? I don't even know what I would do with these things. Probably display them proudly on a shelf somewhere. I just want them. I could teach kids the basics of where our vital organs are located. I love how the heart is a traditional "heart" shape and not the anatomically correct kind.

Oh, for the love of all things sweet!

just when I though I was satisfied with my recent material purchases. I had to find this.

Lies My Parents Fed Me

I feel sick with the lies my mother told me,
And dead from the stories my father slurred to me.
I am making imaginary countries out of cotton candy and watermelon dreams,
seeping sugar-sweet blood and ruddy creams.

Nobody knows what I felt that night
I lied awake trying to lose my sight.
The things in the night swallowed me up when I fell asleep
Left teeth marks and scratch marks and gaps a foot deep.

Then in the morning I realized it was just a dream.
I woke to the sunlight and the same dead lies my parents fed me.
Consumed through an IV tube
No flavor
No color
Just cold and grey.
Sustaining my nightmares, nurturing my dismay.


I felt like starving my heart out
Or staving off unconceived notions with unloving kisses
I would do anything for a heart that is full and heavy
a day when I can breath softly, not heavy.

Kirby!

WANT.

http://www.bakedbymelissa.com/#/flavorsandsizes



http://www.nitrolicious.com/blog/2009/01/22/jeremy-scott-for-adidas-originals-lookbook



http://thisismakebelieve.com

Taxonomy and Indie rock? Heck yeah.

Love it.

http://www.forever21.com/twist/

white winter pretender

It feels like snow outside.
But with no majesty or pure white tides.

No clouds of iced-winter dreams
No crystals cleansing soiled-heart streets
No numb hands
No icy fingers in my grasp.

Just street lights, making artificial sunlight.
Just cold air, freezing up my insides.
Sucking my lungs into alveoli landslides
Something that is compromised, something not right.
Winter is a pretender down here,
Leaving us frigid to the bone
Leaving us without white to cure the alone.

Karin Dreijer scares me.

Karin Dreijer is by far one of the most interesting musicians out there. She makes up one half of the indie electro band, The Knife, worked with Norwegian band Royksopp, and has her own solo project, Fever Ray. She specializes in morphing herself into mysterious and spooky characters. Sometimes the characters are threatening, sometimes they're just weird. But they always play perfectly into the environment she creates. She completely warps her voice into different ghostly sounds so that each song sounds like a different person with a different story. Fever Ray is slightly more scary then Karin and her brother's band, The Knife. The Knife is infectiously danceable. If vampires were to have a party, I can see The Knife's music being on heavy rotation. Fever Ray's music varies from the unsettling to do not listen to if you are alone. The song character in the song, "Concrete Walls" lingers on about how it lives in concrete walls and how a little girl is so warm. Her lyrics always have a deeper meaning though, as do all of Karin's projects. Keep the Streets Empty for Me, When I Grow Up, and Triangle Walks all seem to relate to the darker side of life. The disappointment and the uneasiness. Dry and Dusty is actually quite a nice love themed song. Karin always picks a topic that means something. Rarely will she ever write something trivial. The Knife is the only band I know that can write songs about domestic violence and anorexia and make it danceable. Her videos are all brilliant. They all play perfectly into her theme of the song. Recently, the video for "Keep the Streets Empty for Me" was released. It features a little girl in an apocalyptic city. It feels lonely, and it feels hopeful. It feels like everything Fever Ray emits.

Favorite things of the week

I am loving some Grizzly Bear, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, and homemade CD's.

I was mesmerized the first time I saw this video on Monday. I never really understood the hype over Grizzly Bear, they just didn't seem that fantastic to me. The two songs I have just seemed typical indie chill. Once I heard "Ready, Able", I NEEDED the whole piece of Grizzly Bear art (the new album, Veckatimest) . What I have realized is Grizzly Bear frontman, Ed Droste, has an extremely lush almost trance inducing voice that is close to being supernatural. The backgrounds would play perfectly into some sort of Dali/Wonderland/Mars landscape. The video looks like some possessed play-dough acid trip. It's a little unsettling and a little lonely feeling, but I can't help but be inspired by it. Not to mention the clay heads on the pedestals would make excellent paper weights.



Nylon's November issue I had to go out and get myself. My subscription ran out without any warning, so I have to survive 4-6 weeks before I can receive a new Nylon in the mail. Luckily, I found the November (I <3 America) issue yesterday, and have since devoured its pages. I wasn't too thrilled to see Blake Lively on the cover. She dresses cool and all, but doesn't really seem that interesting. However, reading her interview made me realize that she is pretty cool. In the article they discussed her new movie, "The Private Lives of Pippa" which I had the pleasure to watch today. It is a mix between bored, wealthy housewife (her in her older years) and messed up hard-partying screw up (her younger years). There are also a great deal of psychological issues that spike the movie with bits of craziness (she is a sleepwalker, married to a man more than two times her age, and daughter of a Stepford wife drug addict). Overall, I enjoyed it. It has a very dream-like feel to it, and you never really know what to expect. If you're looking for something deep, but not too deep, tragic, but not tear-jerking, this is a good choice. Not to mention, the 80's attire she wears in her younger years is pretty awesome.


I was also very happy to receive a CD that my boyfriend made for me. Just wanted to say. I don't have the entire track listing yet, but was happy to recognize The Mars Volta, Jens Lekman, Mates of State, and ApSci. It has been on repeat in my car. Oh, and our 8 months is this Sunday. Exciting!!

Dad day.

So, the visit with my dad and Melissa went great. They arrived around 3 and got to see my apartment (the living area was declared bare, which makes me realize I really need to do something with it). We then went to Starbucks so I could get some coffee before my parents got their beers from the Orlando Ale House. Starbucks was great because my dad has this Starbucks Black Card. Sound awesome right? Apparently they gave him one because he goes there so much. He gets 10% off each time, and it looks pretty B.A. They took me grocery shopping which was super nice. I ended up leaving with a bunch of stuff I don't normally make, which is good because now I can make some nice dinners. One of the things I got were these cute little burger patties. I am probably going to make them Tuesday. I love mini anything. After we did the shopping we came back to my apartment to figure out where to eat. We decided on this place called Citrus that I have heard good reviews about. We waited for Anthony in the clubhouse while my dad and Melissa played a pretty entertaining game of ping-pong (they kept hitting this one guy in a chair, who didn't seem to mind at all). Anthony arrived and we were off. Citrus was so pretty, it's off of Orange Ave and is a classy place. They served plantain chips (sliced the long way) as an appetizer and have a rotating menu. The ambiance of the restaurant was great. dim lighting and cushy seats with large glass windows. I opted for a citrus salad with sliced oranges, plantain chips, chicken and other things I forgot. It was good, the dressing was a citrus balsamic and fit the salad nicely. The bathrooms in the place were also pretty great. The stalls were all large, with white wooden doors. The lighting was lovely, and they had mandarin lime aromatherapy soap from bath and body works. The mandarin lime scent fit the restaurant's name nicely. Also, the bathroom had mirrors that took up the entire end wall. My definition of perfect bathroom. We left Citrus and went to Park Ave to get some Gurtzberry's. I had the original with pomegranate seeds, kiwi, and raspberries. Sadly, after that we headed back to my apartment and my dad and step mom left. I miss my dad so much already. I am really hoping to go out to Texas for my Christmas break. I do not see them enough, and it makes me really sad. My dad and step mom like Anthony though, which is fantastic! So, no worries with that. Saying goodbye to my dad is always pretty tear-jerking for me. However, it always gets me excited to see him again.

My dad, and other things I am thrilled about.

So, last week got a phone call that my dad was going to be visiting me the 14, today. I got pretty excited. I haven't seen him since I graduated from high school more than a year ago. There is always sort of a sense of nervousness involved. I wonder if he'd think I've changed or think that I got weird, or something like that. But I have realized along the years that it is very hard for me to please both sets of parents. My dad is a little easier because he doesn't see me, so he doesn't see my life. It hurts to see all the things he missed out on, and he's told me many times how angry it makes him. It makes me sad. Not just sad like I miss him sad, but sad to my soul. My father, who loves me so much, only sees me one time a year for a few days at most. He missed all my birthdays (after my 13th), did not get to teach me to drive, or even see me drive until June of 2008, and missed being there for me throughout all that messy high school experience. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame him for any of this. However, he had some chances to see me and chose not to. It hurt, but it's one of those things I've grown accustomed to. Life is how it is for me, I know my dad loves me. But I would like my dad to know me. I am excited to see him and my step mom today, I get to shown them my crappy apartment (which I have to clean) and UCF. Oh, and they get to meet my boyfriend. Which, who wouldn't be nervous about that? I know my boyfriend is amazing, and I love him so much. But, parents are always a tough bunch to please. So, I am just worrying in advance like I always do. Maybe all of my nervousness will cancel itself out? I am trying to be nothing but excited.

In other news, Passion Pit came out with a new video for kingdom come. The video goes well with the lyrics, as in it's hard to interpret. You've got lyrics splattered with what seems like influences from Christianity, and then the video of scientists, burning trees, and asteroids. Seems pretty apocalyptic to me. But it's good, Passion Pit are always good. I burned my friend Sam both of their albums. He was asking about them and apparently heard them on the City. Passion Pit on a show of whiny, bithcy, shallow skanks does not make me happy. But oh well, if I was them I would probably want the money too. We also went to the new H&M today at the Florida mall. It was pretty good. I got some good deals on a sweater and some other stuff. Among what I got was an item on my "need to get" list. High-wasted frilly skirts are all over the place for winter. They have a slightly ballerina like feel to them, and are so feminine. I got one in black, and it is lovely. They had a lot of fur coats there. I was in love with this gorgeous brown one. However, I already have a fur coat, so I had to pass. I would definitely say you should check H&M out. They have nice guy's items, and even have children's and maternity clothes. I also noticed that the Florida mall is putting in a gigantic monster of a Forever 21. It's the biggest one I have ever seen, and I am so ready for it to open.

Passion Pit | To Kingdom Come from Passion Pit on Vimeo.

Synth pop love song (for fish)

Ok, I do realize this is my second post this morning. But I feel I have some catching up to do. Also, I just watched this video by Sally Shapiro and have fallen in love with it. The video, mixed with the Japanese pop sounding music (Shapiro is not from Japan, but Sweden), has its corny parts. But the whole video is absolutely adorable it overrides all of that. I like to think that my fish, Trinket (to the left), thinks like this. I did have a scare where he jumped down the disposal in my kitchen sink. Luckily, he was able to be saved. By my mom, not me. I was too busy crying, as lame as that sounds. But anyhow, I do recommend the new Sally Shapiro album, "Guilty Pleasure". Her sound is classified as European Disco, but who cares about technicalities? Her music will easily put you in a good mood, and that's all that matters.

If you like zombies..

If there is one thing that inspires me the most in life, it is science. We share this world with millions and millions of things that we don't even see. Entire cities that live all around us. In the dirt, on our counters, and even on us. But what is even more amazing is our own little cities inside of our bodies. Cells that repair, cells that transmit, cells that ruthlessly kill any foreigner brave enough to enter the marvelous landscape that is our body. Although there are the typical white blood cells that consume enemies by eating them (phagosytosis), there are these amazing little friends called Cytotoxic T-cells (T-cells meaning they matured in the thymus after being created in bone marrow) that point blank, identify and kill. They are little hunters of virally infected cells. Think about it: you have a crazy infected cell infecting other cells in your body and making things bad. Along comes a Cytotoxic T-cell (signaled by Helper T-cells to know the infected cell is there , like a 911 call), and once the Cytotoxic T-cell locates the zombie cell it secretes proteins that causes the zombie cell to rupture (explode!!!). It then goes around in a mass zombie butt kicking spree until all of the infected cells in the area are vanquished. Science is not only beautiful, but it is the also the equivalent of dawn of the dead. Maybe not exactly in that context, but you get the point. We are all zombie killers. Well, our Cytotoxic T-cells anyway.

Blazers are what I neeed!

Recently I have been pursuing through the new winter items that have graced my favorite stores' websites and have realized one thing: I need a blazer. They instantly class up any outfit and supposedly make you look older, which in my case is great. The key is in the fit, an unfit blazer will just make a person look dowdy, or older. Basically, the opposite effect of what a blazer is supposed to do. I really love this one from Urban Outfitters, it's sleek and classic. It also comes in a peach color and a slate gray color.